Private Thoughts Made Public

Between late 1994 and late 1998 I lived in London (well, Surbiton and Kingston-Upon-Thames) with my ex, and did a fair amount of travelling on the London Underground (aka the Tube). Travelling on the tube is demoralising and boring but for most people a necessary evil. I suspect underground transport systems everywhere suffer the same problems, i.e. trying to move several hundred thousand people every day through very long, very narrow, very dark tunnels. I’ve not been on the tube for a few years now, but I presume it’s the same as it ever was…… crammed, hot and sticky in the summer, full of people who never make eye contact, but actually quite cost-effective if you want to do some tourist-y travelling around (not quite so cost-effective if you only use it twice a day to get to and from work, though) and reasonably efficient.
In all the travelling I did on the tube I never once heard a driver’s announcement that cheered me up. However, such things do happen, and this site has compiled a selection for your entertainment. Below I present a few of my favourites.
“Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way”.
“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage”.
“Please allow the passengers off the train first. It’s easier that way.”
“When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you”
“Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn’t rain underground.”
“This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors”.
“Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris”.
“Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment – have a good weekend.”