Private Thoughts Made Public

You may remember, if you cast your mind back, dear reader/readers/adoring fans [delete as appropriate] that I recently joined the seti@home project, or rather, I got my computer to join it and do all the hard work on my behalf. I’m sorry to have to report that despite my sterling efforts with this project, it has so far still failed to find little green men from outer space.
The reason for this is that they’ve been looking in the wrong places. The little green men from outer space are not from outer space at all. Or green. They’ve been here all the time, infiltrating themselves into our society and our lives, infuriating us with their attempts to communicate, which have so far been heard by millions yet understood and tolerated by very very few. They’ve been right under our very noses for decades now. They talk to us in loud wailing voices, repeating the same messages over and over again. And we listen to them over and over again, some of us more keenly than others. The alien’s messages have by now been heard by almost everyone on the planet, yet no-one recognises them for what they truly are. But now I can reveal the awful truth, the horrible truth, yay even the mind-bogglingly shocking truth.
I repeat, the aliens are here. They have been here for years. They are not little, or green. They disguise themselves as men, some more successfully than others. And they bombard us with their annoying little messages which we cannot ignore until we start repeating them over and over and over again, like drones in an unspeakable alien-controlled army of unthinking, uncaring, unfeeling killing machines.
I know who you are. I know what you are doing to us. You fill our heads with Technicolour Dreamcoats, with Starlight Expresses, with Kylie Minogues and Hear’Says. You infuriate us with Cats and Boyzones and Westlifes and manufactured incessant pop drivel which you use to gather funding and numb our brains, preparing us for the big attack. By the time the rest of the aliens come to claim our blue-green planet as their own, we will be completely unable to resist, as every ounce of coherent thought will have been drianed from the mush we call our brains. We will simply roll over and lie down, adjusting the playlists and volume controls on our iPods as we go.
I’m right about this. You know I am. There’s no way that Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Pete Waterman, Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller et al are human beings trying to make a buck or two. No, these people are the alien front line, and we’ve fallen hook line and sinker for it.
Mark my words.
So anyway, since seti@home is probably looking in the wrong place for people that either don’t exist or are here already and taking over the planet behind our backs and under our noses (which is no mean feat in itself, if you think about it), I’ve switched my allegiance to the Folding@home project. I’m not going to claim to know anything about what it actually does (me? talk about things I know nothing about? Never!), suffice to say it’s all to do with proteins in the body and medical research into things like Alzheimer’s and Huntington’s Disease. So it could benefit mankind far more then buying another Kylie record ever will. Probably.
But if you don’t fancy any of that, choose something else. I think I might start one of my own – a project to rid the world of annoying musicals and inane pop shite. Who’s with me?
[FX: voice fades as I wander off into the distance] We’ll need a programmer or two….. a project manager…… a master plan….. some cannons….. ammo….. a bit of uranium would be handy…… Bin Laden’s phone number…….