Private Thoughts Made Public

If you hear or read a name you’ve never come across before, do you build up a mental image of what that person might be like? Have you ever tried doing this with the fake names you get on spam emails?
Gravy Q. Wrongheadedly – the most accident-prone person who ever existed. He’s been known to cause the death of three cats and a small vole while bending down to put his slippers on (don’t ask, it’s a long story)
Sagging S. Workmanship – a sad Sid James lookalike who can be found leaning on a shovel by the side of a hole in the road he’s been digging for the last 40 years. Has been known to follow a certain Mr Wrongheadedly in the hope of getting some work cleaning up the mess.
Omnipotent R. Calais – the winner of the 2005 “Ego the size of a planet” award. The choice of winner came as a complete surpise to everyone except the winner himself. Obviously.
Lefty I. Edgewise – Lefty can sell anything to anybody. Twice. He sold a sky-diving course to a Mr G.Q.Wrongheadedly, and a garden shed for a Mr O.R.Calais to keep his ego in. Being the superior salesman he his, Lefty managed to sell Mr Calais the only shed that was available, which happened to belong to Mohawk J. Scurviest at the time. Mr Scurviest was also sold as part of the deal, Mr Calais apparently believing the premise that when he put his ego into the shed for safe-keeping, he’d need someone to stay in there to massage it for him while he was away. Mr Scurviest will be paid in tins of fifty-year-old extremely mature and rather rare corned beef, which Lefty also managed to offload onto Mr Calais for the bargain price of 1800 quid to be left in a locker at Victoria Station and the promise of some sexual favours from Mrs Edgewise. Who may or may not exist.
Mohawk J. Scurviest – pirate gardener (retired). Currently part-time ego masseur.