Private Thoughts Made Public

I’ve started blogs and I’ve stopped them again. Started and stopped. It’s a good idea, it’s a bad idea. I’ll make time for it, I don’t have time for it any more. I’ll research ideas that I want to expound upon, then I suddenly can’t be bothered. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one idea for more than a few weeks. I’m happy being alone, I’m depressed because I’m alone. I want to be successful and well-liked, but on the other hand I’m popular enough at work and I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in the fridge. Which is more than a lot of people.
I have a few friends, I could do with more. I never seem to have enough money. I’ve done things in the past I’m ashamed of. My future is shaped by my past. So how can I change my future? Is it possible for me to change as a person?
I tend to fade into the background. When I’m in a group of three or four people talking, they all seem to be talking to each other rather than to me. I don’t have opinions on anything. I can’t be bothered with sport, and any political views I have tend to be very simplistic. Sometimes I want to learn about something in depth, most of the time I don’t. I’m losing my hair. I weigh too much. My teeth are getting worse. I can’t afford to have them fixed.
I have a failed marriage behind me, and a couple of short-term relationships after that. People are happy enough to remain my friend, but I don’t know if that’s because they genuinely like me or because they feel sorry for me. A lot of people only get in touch when they want me to do something for them.
I’ve lost touch with the people I grew up with. The people I went to school, college and university with. I don’t know if I want to get in touch with any of them or not. I’ve seen a few names listed on friends reunited, or facebook. But it’s like any school reunion, you’re scared to go in case everyone else is deleriously happy, with beautiful wives, intelligent children, and investment portfolios.
So why start another blog? No idea, seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I’ve no idea what I’m going to say in it. I’ve thought about doing a video blog and uploading it to youtube. Doing a podcast on a subject that is close to my heart. But… I’ll probably do one episode, maybe two, and then that’ll fizzle out as well.
I need to clear the crap out of my mind. I read an article this morning on the benefits of meditation, sitting silently, clearing your head of all thoughts, so your mind can reorganise itself and be more productive and efficient. But when I sit silently and try to clear my head of all thoughts, all I am aware of is the tinnitus ringing in my ears. An unfortunate side-effect of being an outgoing popular teenager into loud rock music.
The tinnitus means that I’m forever finding something new to think about, something to keep my mind occupied so that I’m not aware of the constant ringing. Actually, it’s not a ringing, it’s more of a high-pitched whine. It also means that when I’m in a pub, club, or party, I find it difficult to follow conversations. The background noise gets in the way and if someone isn’t standing within two feet of me and I can’t see their lips move, I sometimes have trouble making out what they are saying. This means that I sometimes just stand there and stare into space.
Maybe writing all this down and blogging it will force me to actually get up off my arse and do something about my life. At the moment I just feel like I’m going through the motions, aimlessly. I wake up, I go to work, I get home, I find something fairly useless to do all evening, and then I go to bed. Usually too late, which means that when I wake up the next morning I’m lethargic and still aimless.
I really must find a goal in life. Something achievable. I’ll talk more about goals in my next post.