There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. The’ve been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”
The stallholder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”
The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundereds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry. “I cannot help you.”
The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, “Look, mate,” (cuz they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?”
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can’t help you. I’ll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”
The other turned to face his companion and replied, “Yes, it was a trifle bazaar.”

from bash.org:
<sp4nk> I once knew this guy who kept a dream journal.
<sp4nk> Some little spiral notebook he’d keep by his bed.
<martyr> haha nice
<sp4nk> I’d get waken up in the middle of the night and find him writing shit in it. At 3 AM.
<sp4nk> Told me it was so he could remember the lucid dreams he had the following morning.
<sp4nk> So one night at about 1, I decided to have a look.
<sp4nk> As I suspected, full of shit about meeting dead people and flying across the Atlantic Ocean.
<sp4nk> He was asleep at the time, of course.
<sp4nk> So I grabbed a pencil and made my own entry.
<martyr> ROFL
<sp4nk> Something along the lines of: OH MY GOD I WANT YOUR BLOOD SATAN PLEASE LIBERATE ME FROM MY WRETCHED LIFE
<sp4nk> I swear, he was shaking the rest of that day
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If you’re not familiar with internet chat abbreviations, you need to know that asl stands for age/sex/location. It’s a greeting guaranteed to get you ignored 95% of the time.
<THE_RAVEN> asl?
<BlackstarII> 41/m/neverland
<BlackstarII> wanna sleep over?
Of course, the other 5% gets you a sarcastic answer.
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<BoTGoD> In the wet season, when my house lies at the eye of a particularly savage thunderstorm storm, lightning all around and power out, i like to masturbate – it makes me feel like i am thor.
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One of these quotes made me chuckle, one made me smile, and one made me laugh out loud. I’ll leave you to guess which one is which.

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the lorry and one of them is beeping the horn.”

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he just sits at home twiddling his thumbs.
Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It’s his agent and Sean gets very excited.
The agent says, “Sean, I’ve got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you’ve got to get there early, for 10ish.” Sean frowns and replies, “10ish? But I haven’t even got a racket.”

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking “isn’t it obvious?”)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.”
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the officer.”
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment.”
The Officer says, “Have a nice day.”
Moral of the Story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

15 simple tests before you decide to have children…
Test 1 – Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 – Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 – To discover how the nights will feel…
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.45am
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10)Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4 – To prepare for dressing small children (not as easy as you may think)…
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this = all morning.
Test 5 – Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don’t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There……perfect!
Test 6 – Getting ready to go out rehearsal.
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway. Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 – Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 – Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children
Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
Test 10 – Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11 – Can you stand the mess children make? Find out:
1) Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2) Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3) Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Test 12 – Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting “Mummy” repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each “Mummy” – occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 – Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the “Mummy” tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 – Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15 – Go for a drive, but first. . . ..
1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
If none of the above bothers you then your well prepared to have kids.
For twins double the effort…….