May 2004 Archives
I've spent about 8 hours driving today, and can hardly keep my eyes open. Good job I'm not behind the wheel at the moment! On Friday afternoon I took some work colleagues to the airport in a company car, which I'd then have the use of over the weekend. Later, when my sister-in-law told me that my brother was in Wales for the weekend helping a friend run a tee-shirt stall at a motorbike show, and asked if I could drive her and the kids down there, I could hardly say no, could I? Only problem is, the car I had pulls to the left a bit, and I didn't really fancy driving it all the way to Wales and back. So I went back up the office first thing on Sunday morning to get my car back, and then went to pick up s-i-l and kids.
Total mileage so far: about 50. Time: 8:30am
Drive to Wales, about one third motorway and two thirds main roads. We stopped a couple of times, and got about 100 yards from the main show entrance when my niece decided to open the back window and be sick all over the road. Could have been worse, she could have been sick in the car, but still......... I'd just paid twenty-five quid to have the car valeted inside and out three days earlier... timing, eh?
Total mileage so far: nearly 200. Time: 12:15pm
Show was entertaining enough, I'm not mad keen on bikes myself, but there was a stunt show to watch and a few stalls to wander round. Decided we'd had enough by 6pm. Finally got everyone back in the car and on our way again by 6:30pm, after all the usual "I want to sit in the front on the way back, my sister annoys me" "well you annoy me as well" kind of arguments. Stopped to take some pictures of a beautiful landscape with the sun setting in the background. Zoomed home without stopping again, kids aleep in the back for most of the journey - peace and quiet, bliss....
Total mileage so far: about 350. Time: 9:30pm
Time, I think, for a well-earned cup of tea. Of course, I'm still at my brother's house after dropping them off, and need to drive another 10 miles back to mine, but let's have a cuppa first, eh?
Pity I'm not mad about bikes, though. I would have had a really good time otherwise!
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
The Officer says, "Have a nice day."
Moral of the Story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Here's an exchange between my son and I in the car on the way to the airport last weekend. He's sitting in the back of the car, quietly looking out of the window and watching the world go by, when he opens his mouth and these words ensue:
"The King and Queen are at home"
"Er..... ok. How do you know that"
"Because I've just seen a flag. And when a flag is up, the King and Queen are at home, when it's halfway up it means something's happened, and when it's down it means they are out."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that only applied to the flag on Buckingham Palace, and not to a flag flying on an industrial estate 10 miles away from Manchester Airport.
Oh, and he's also learned that the standard answer to the question "what are your table manners like?" is "Atrocious". That's his maternal grandmother for you!
I use Outlook Express for my sins, and I have it set to group emails by converstion. As a result, I sometimes don't notice a particular email for a few days. So it is rather belatedly I'd like to thank Jodi for signing my guestmap a week ago and I'd like to invite any other readers of this journal to do the same... if only to make us seem a little less lonely!
Go on... the link is just to your left there... you know you want to!
Sings: If you were the only girl in the world, and I was the only boy......
I've got two weeks off work next month. I'd booked one week a while ago, but since I'm feeling a bit tired out, I've turned it into a fortnight. And while finding somewhere to stay for a few days, I discovered this. So I'm off to Anglesey for a well-earned break. I've had time off work, obviously, in the last couple of years, but the last time I went away anywhere and had a change of scenery I was still married - we're talking 2001 here.... so I'm overdue for a few days away, I think.
When he's in the back of the car, he likes to lower the centre armrest and use that as a chair. Fair enough, he's high enough to see out of the windows, and the seat belt fits him properly. He's since discovered that he can squeeze through the hole at the back of the armrest and get into the boot of the car. I found this out when I parked the car one time, opened the back door to let him out and saw his feet disappear into the boot! He doesn't want to use the doors any more, he wants to get in and out through the boot all the time. So when we went to the airport last weekend to pick up my parents I opened the boot, and instead of picking up a suitcase I picked my son up and put him in it instead - you should have seen the look on my parents' faces!
The bike I bought was delivered to the office the following Tuesday, in a box that was waaaaay too big to get in the back of the car. After getting it out of the box, into the back of the car, and home, I discovered that it was too small for me. Damn. All that effort to bid for a bike and get one at the right price, and I forget to check that it's actually the right size for me.
What to do? Shall I sell it again, hopefully for a profit, and get another one, or shall I see if I can do something about making it fir me? (Apart from having my legs shortened, which is, I'm sure you'll agree, a bit drastic.)
Well, the following weekend I went to another bike shop to check out the range, and while I was there I found a new stem for the saddle, and now the bike fits me. Or I fit the bike, or whatever.
The next problem is to re-adjust the front brakes so they actually grip now, and then there's be no stopping me (as it were).
15 simple tests before you decide to have children...
Test 1 - Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - To discover how the nights will feel...
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.45am
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10)Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4 - To prepare for dressing small children (not as easy as you may think)...
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this = all morning.
Test 5 - Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There......perfect!
Test 6 - Getting ready to go out rehearsal.
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 - Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children
Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
Test 10 - Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11 - Can you stand the mess children make? Find out:
1) Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2) Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3) Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Test 12 - Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15 - Go for a drive, but first. . . ..
1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
If none of the above bothers you then your well prepared to have kids.
For twins double the effort.......
"It all began innocently enough when a user on an Apple help forum posted a picture of his cat, Frankie, contemplating the beauty of a flower. Shortly afterwards another user posted a picture of his cat, Sammy, bristling at the image of Frankie on the monitor. I decided this was too much fun and advanced the concept as The Infinite Cat Project, which is, simply, cats regarding cats regarding cats.
I'll be happy to post a picture of YOUR cat as long as it is shown looking at a monitor which bears the image of the last image in the sequence."
Ladeez'n'gennlemunn, ithankyew...
P.S. Thanks to Alan for the link.
I've just been going through some (very) old stuff I found in a drawer at work, and I came across this hardware quotation dated 16 Dec 1994 (which was about 5 years before I joined the company, so don't blame me for trying to request this stuff...)
Network Workstations:
Clone PC workstations, comprising Intel 486SX/33 processor, 4Mb RAM, SVGA Low Rad MRP II Colour Monitor, RJ45 Ethernet card, 512K Trident Video Card, 1 year on-site maintenance
17 off @ £720.00 per unit
8 off @ £875 per unit
Multi-Media PC system comprising of
486 dx2/66 with 8Mb RAM, 420Mb hard drive, 3.5 HDFD, L-R SVGA Colour Monitor, Keyboard, DOS, Windows, Mouse, Joystick, Mini Tower Case, CD Rom, Soundblaster 16 bit card, 2 speakers. Including 14,400bps modem
£1286.00
3 x RJ45 ethernet cards
£119.00 ea
All prices exclude VAT
So next time your bosses don't want to spend money on hardware, remind them just how much bang they're getting for their bucks these days :-)
I've just put an item up for sale on eBay. This is the first time I've ever tried to sell anything on eBay, and I'm doing it on behalf of my grandmother. She'll be 85 in a few months time, and is selling the house that's been her home for the last fifty years (and where she raised four children) and buying a flat. So she wants to sell some stuff - hi-fi, tv, video, maybe some china. I'll see how the auction goes on the first item (which is a Pro-Logic amplifier and a pair of speakers) before deciding whether or not to sell the rest of the stuff on eBay. The auction ends on Saturday night, and can be found here. Please bid, it'll make my grandmother very happy indeed.
Beautiful weather yesterday, so I went for a walk. I would have gone for a bike ride, but it hasn't arrived yet.... I walked down the Irwell Sculpture Trail (again) from my house (good place to start) into the centre of Manchester, which is about 10 miles away (I must get the map out and measure it properly). I had no intention of walking that far, but once I started I didn't really feel like stopping. And once you're three-quarters of the way there, it seems a shame not to go all the way (oo-er).
So now I'm walking with a limp because I have blisters on my feet and the back of my left leg aches. Feels good though, like I've achieved something :-)
As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been looking for a bike on eBay. Earlier today, after bidding unsuccessfully on 18 bikes, I decided to have another go. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'd just got back from lunch, had a quick look at the eBay shop, saw a bike on there at fifty quid with 10 minutes to go and went for it. I put in my maximum bid of 65 quid and waited to be outbid by someone else at the last minute. After all, it had happened on every other bike I went for, so why not this one? I hit refresh. I was still the highest bidder. Refresh again. Still winning, 7 mins to go. By the time the auction was down to the last two minutes my finger was almost glued to the F5 key. No-one else made a bid. I was thinking "is this it? Am I finally going to get one?"
And the answer to that question was "yes". I won the auction, and the best part is, the bike cost me 14 quid less than my maximum bid. Even with the postage and packaging costs, it's a great deal. I've no idea if the vendor made any money out of me or not, but that's the chance you take when selling stuff on ebay. It'll be delivered to the office sometime next week, and knowing my usual luck the storm clouds will be out five minutes after it's delivered.
"Can I play with this toy car?"
"Yes you can, but the batteries are flat. You'll still be able to roll it up and down the floor though"
"Does the remote control work?"
"No, I just told you. The batteries are flat"
"But I thought batteries were round...."
My son's capacity for imagination never ceases to amaze me. While playing around one day he put his finger in my mouth and said "blow me up, Daddy". Not quite knowing what he meant by this, I started to huff and puff as though I was blowing up a balloon. He then quickly pulled his finger away and ran round and round the room blowing a raspberry, until he ran out of breath and collapsed on the floor.
At the weekend he was sitting in the back of the car, playing with a slinky. Of course you know what a slinky is, and if you don't, then google for it. I'm not going to do all your work for you. Anyway, he'd got one with him in the car and all I could hear was him saying "squirt squirt squirt". A few seconds of silence, then "squirt squirt squirt". A few more seconds of silence then "squirt squirt squirt" once again. Curious, I dipped the rear view mirror so I could see what he was doing. He had the slinky held to his face at one end, and he was moving the other end from between his feet to over his head, saying "squirt squirt squirt" when it was over his head. "What are you doing?" I asked him. "I'm an elephant", he replied. Squirt, squirt, squirt.
My niece then got the slinky and said "I know what we can do with this. We can fix one end to here and fix the other end to there and put something in the middle so it's a proper tube, and then a hamster can run up and down it!" (she's a strange girl, sometimes...) "Yes", replied my son, "but first we'll need to get a hamster!" Nothing gets past him, nothing at all.
Sorry for not posting anything in the last few days - been busy busy busy! I'm looking for a new bicycle online, after giving my old one to my nephew. I've been bidding for a few bikes online via ebay, however I've lost out on the first nine or ten I've bid on. I'm determined to get the bike I want at the price I want to pay, however. Every time I look at these ebay shops I think I'd like to have a piece of the action. I'm thinking about selling small good quality items that are always in demand, easy to stock and post, and preferably with a good profit margin! I'd tell you what my current line of thought is, but then I'd have to kill you afterwards. So you'll just have to wait and see.
My mum and I took the kids (son, niece, nephew) to Southport on Sunday. It was an expensive day out, but the kids enjoyed themselves, which is the main thing. The pleasure beach is way too expensive and half the things we tried didn't work properly, so we got the kids out of there as soon as possible! Everyone enjoyed the boat we hired, especially my son, who was in charge of all the controls for a few minutes. And if you're going to let a four year old take full control of a motorised vehicle, a slow boat in the middle of a large lake is a good place to start!
After lunch I took a breather while my mum took all the kids round the 18-hole miniature golf putting course. All seemed to be going well, until my son came running towards me from the far end of the course crying his eyes out. "What's the matter?" I (rather obviously) enquired. "Grandma took my ball away from me!" he said, in between wails and snivels. Now, here I was, in charge of five coats, a handbag (not mine!) and a carrier bag full of juice, so I couldn't immediately find out what was going on. I decided the only course of action was to investigate, so I picked up all the stuff and started to head out to the back of the course. I'd only taken two of three steps with everything when my niece came running up and asked my son if he wanted to play again. Of course he did, so off he went. I had to wait until they had all finished the course to find out what was going on. And the cause of the problem? My son was getting impatient and wouldn't wait his turn. Still, I suppose he learned his lesson, because everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves a lot more on the second half of the course :-)
All in all, quite a good day out. Even though it didn't quite tire my son out enough for him to go to bed at a reasonable time....
Ever since he learned to talk, we've not been able to get my son to be quiet. From deciding that fireworks make a loud noise and explode because they are crashing into the clouds, and being able to tell us so, all at the grand old age of 25 months, to refusing to count backwards from 10 down to 1 because "other people won't like it", he always manages to come up with a little gem. Here are some of the most recent ones.
Snooker final. World championship. First frame of afternoon session on the second day. Very tense. The players haven't settled in yet. One of them goes for a pot. Misses. My son comments: "that was rubbish!"
Playing with Lego. He has the Motor Movers set and the Motion Madness set. Expensive, but worth it. He says "let's make something we've not made before". I say "ok." Then he says "let's not make something that goes down the piece of string, because I'm fed up with those." He's only had the Motor Movers set a week. Ho hum.
His phrase of the moment is "do you know what?" He seems to start every other sentence with it.
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking about what we're going to give you for your dinner. What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking about you."
Sweet :-)
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Can you buy me an expensive toy?"
"Not this week, son, sorry."
"Why not?"
"Because I haven't got any money."
"You could always go to the machine and get some."
There's just no answer to that, really.
When I was a kid, I had a Spirograph set. I've just bought something similar for my son, although he's not quite got into it yet :-)
I used to love seeing the shapes appear, wondering how many times the little cog would have to go round the big cog before the line ended up where it started. And sometimes, it went round so many times the pen actually wore through the paper.
But I digress. In the back of the manual for the new sort-of-spirograph-thing, it said that the shapes produced are called trochoids. So of course, I googled for it. And found this.
Enjoy.
Or, put another way, what's up my other nostril. I'll have to find a different orifice for things to be "up " when I get to part three...
This time the thing that really infuriates me more than anything else in the whole wide world ever is the phrase "fine toothcomb". As in "we searched the area with a fine toothcomb but didn't find a thing." This is the wrong phrase, people!! Come on, think about it. What the hell is a toothcomb? I've brushed my teeth in the past (on occasion) but I can safely say, without fear of contradiction, that I've never combed them. Not while being sober and in full control of all my faculties, at least.
The correct phrase, as you all should have figured out by now, is "fine-toothed comb". In other words, a comb with fine teeth (that's "fine" as in "thin", not "fine" as in "lovely"). If you comb something - let's say it's your hair - with a fine-toothed comb - let's say it's a nit comb - you're likely to find what you are looking for. In this case, nits. If you're unlucky. But if you should comb your hair with a "fine toothcomb" then not only will I be asking you where you found one of these non-existant objects, but I will also be asking you what you comb your fine teeth with.
I'm not the only one who feels this way, as the top result in this search proves.
Maybe it's just me. Deal with it.
I just found this over at Fishbucket, and since it says "author unknown", I'm going to repeat it here. Because I think it's funny. And if you don't, that's your problem...
Internet Origin
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)". Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are". And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". "Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
-author unknown
I could be playing PacManhattan right now.
Or I could be sitting in a restaurant next to someone photographing their food.
Ho hum.
