November 2004 Archives

Something bothers me about Christmas. Before I tell you what it is, I must admit (although it's not a major secret) that I'm Jewish by birth, so Christmas doesn't mean very much to me in the spiritual sense. Neither does a lot of Judaism to be honest, but that's just me. My opinion of religion is as follows: each to their own, as long as you don't start forcing your ideas down my throat thank you very much. I think if more people adhered to this idea then the world would be a slightly more peaceful place. Send the Nobel Peace Prize to my home address wrapped in twenty pound notes. Cheers.

Anyway, back to my point about Christmas. It's supposed to be the season of goodwill, right? The season to think about friends and relations and others not as fortunate as yourself, right? So why do people keep going on about "What I want for Christmas is...." It's all got turned round and twisted somewhat. If Christmas is all about giving, then people should be thinking "What I'd like to give for Christmas is..." Anything you receive from anyone else can therefore be considered a bonus. Christmas gifts should be chosen with care and attention. It's disheartening to think about the number of people who go back to the shops on boxing day to return unwanted Christmas gifts. Returning a Christmas gift shows that a) the person who gave it didn't put enough thought into it and b) the person who received the gift is rather selfish and didn't accept the gift in the spirit in which it was supposed to be accepted.

So here's my big idea: think about your closest friends and relations. Think about something you'd like to give them, something that shows you've actually put some consideration into it, a gift that would mean something to them, that would say "thank you for just being you." And if you can't think of an appropriate gift, don't worry. Make a donation to charity on their behalf. I dare anyone who receives a card on Christmas day which says "I donated some money in your name to such-and-such a charity" to then feel cheated and disappointed and moan "But I wanted a playstation/lawnmower/silk tie/bread maker/whatever..." Because that's not what Christmas is all about.

Quite why Christmas has turned into the season of goodwill I'm not sure. People should be good to each other all year round, not just at Christmastime. But no matter. As long as you give selflessly, and receive graciously, then there won't be any arguments :-) Enjoy.

Someone's hacked into SCO's web site this morning, with "hilarious results", as they say in tv-sitcom-land. For those that don't know, SCO are trying to get payment from all Linux users as they claim that some of the code used in the core Linux kernel is actually theirs. And for those that don't know what Linux is, either google it or ignore this post. Thank you.

Does anyone out there know how satellite resources in vb.net are supposed to work? Coz they're stumping me something crazy!

Think I'd better get my head in a book again....

As I'm a bit lazy (i.e. can't always get out of bed on time in the morning) I didn't have a chance to make myself a packed lunch. So I went to Tesco's to but myself a sandwich. While I was there, I thought I'd have a browse at the dvd's, as is often my wont. As you may have guessed from looking to your left and seeing the image presented there, I bought myself the Live Aid DVD. The irony of also buying a sandwich and a bottle of diet coke along with a dvd which raises money to help stop people dying of starvation in Africa was not lost on me. I wonder if the guy behind me in the queue spotted the irony as well, or if he was just annoyed he had to wait while the checkout assistant went to get the actual dvd's for me?

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy watching this again. Can you believe it was 19 and a half years ago? That means that pretty much everyone ay school, college and university today were either too young to remember watching it or hadn't been born when it all happened. Yet for people of my generation it seems like, well, not exactly like yesterday, but it does seem like it was only last year. I don't remember too much about the day myself, the only thing I do remember was watching it in amazement at the sheer amount of organisation involved, thoroughly enjoying Queen's set (as I think everyone did) and waiting for the next act I liked to come on. There were plenty of people playing on the day who's music I wasn't particularly into, and it will be interesting for me to find out if I will actually sit through everyone's performances again.

I feel a warm glow of satisfaction knowing that every penny I spent on the dvd will go to help people who need it a lot more than I do, but I also found out that Tesco have discounted it by ten pounds. According to Amazon, the RRP is £40, yet I paid just under £30. Surely for something like this, where all the revenue goes to charity, shops shouldn't be allowed to discount it? From what I can tell, Tesco's (and I presume many other outlets) are diddling Live Aid out of thousands of pounds of potential revenue by selling the item at less than the recommended retail price.

So there I was, sitting in my car in Tesco's car park, eating my sandwich and reading the Live Aid booklet (and still very much aware of the stark difference between what I was doing and what I was reading about), when I felt a bump against the side of my car. I looked up, and noticed that there's a lady putting her toddler into the back seat of a Toyota Land Cruiser parked on the passenger side of my car. She'd emptied her shopping trolley and pushed it into the empty space on my side of the car, whereupon gravity took over and caused it to roll down the slope into my door. She, of course, didn't bat an eyelid, she just carried on strapping her son into this huge monstrosity of a vehicle with scant regard for anyone else's property. I can tell that the most off-road that car's ever going to get is the car park of the local golf club. Why do people feel the need to drive a car that weighs three tons and needs a four-litre engine just to get it moving? I know that vehicles like that have their uses, and if I saw one in Africa hurtling down a dirt track laden with bags of grain and other such supplies, I'd heartily approve. But not for taking one small child to Tesco's to buy a few bags of groceries. Bit of overkill, don't you think?

I didn't say anything to her. I bit my toungue and chowed down on my sandwich. The trolley didn't do any damage, fortunately. The last thing I want is conflict, which generally makes me a bit of a pushover. I will fight for something I believe in, don't get me wrong about that. But someone who drives a huge car and is not aware of the forces of gravity really isn't worth wasting my breath on.

Someone keeps stealing my letters - Multiplayer fridge magnet letter type game thing!

Ten by Ten - Automated most important words and images of the hour thing!

Wow...... a week with no updates. How very remiss of me. Now, what can I write about today? Let's see.... my boss has been signed off work for the last four weeks with high blood pressure so I've been running the IT depatment of a multi-national company single-handed. I've run the department single-handedly before, which partly explains why I have to include the top of my head whenever I put sun tan lotion on. The other reason my head looks like it could be used as a beacon for low-flying aircraft is my ex-wife, but let's not go there. Of course, it could be genetic - my grandfather lost a lot of his hair by the time he was 40 as well. Always reminded me of Eric Morecambe, he did. The face is a bit rounder, but I think you can see what I mean.

I'll tell you a story about him, because I'm in the mood to ramble. I'd like you to picture, if you will, a wedding. A rather big wedding, where the bride's parents invite everyone they've ever heard of and the bride and groom have to fight to get their handful of friends an invite to the bash. There weren't any ice sculptures, but there was everything else. Big dress, big ceremony, big dinner, big wedding car. Photographer, videographer, choir, band, free bar. Everyone is enjoying themselves tremendously. It gets to speech time. The MC introduces my brother, the best man. Everyone looks at the top table, but no-one gets up. Where could he be? Is he at the bar getting sloshed? Is he outside having a smoke? Just as we're all about to feel awkward, wondering where he was, the doors at the other end of the room open and my brother walks in, surrounded by an entourage of ushers, all in dark glasses. He's handcuffed to a briefcase. I can't remember now if the Blues Brothers music played him in, I'd have to look at the video for that and quite frankly I don't really want to look at the wedding video too much these days. He approaches the top table and gets a speech out of his jacket pocket. He motions the crowd for silence. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the speech my mother has read." He lifts it in the air so that everyone can get a good look at it. Then he rips it into four and throws it to the floor. Unlocking the briefcase he produces another speech. "But THIS is the one I'm going to read!" Cue laughter and applause, which continues throughout his wonderful speech.

After whipping the crowd into a frenzy and embarrassing the hell out of me (although not as much as when my wife of just a few hours stands up in front of everyone and states "It's been a wonderful day and it's going to be an even better night") it's time for my speech. I've never spoken in public before and I'm sh*tting bricks. I take my speech out of my jacket pocket. I have pages 2, 3 and 4. Page 1 is nowhere to be seen. Ooooops.

So I put the speech down and state that I'm just going to say a few words off the top of my head. I thank everyone for coming, and declare undying love for my wife. Everyone goes "aah". Then I start to run out of things to say. I spot my grandfather in the crowd (quite why he wasn't on the top table with everyone else escapes me for the moment). I invite him up to join me and introduce him to the more than 200 wedding guests. I tell the crowd that every time there is a family gathering, before we sat down to dinner my grandfather would always raise a glass and make a statement. And I thought it would be rather nice for him to make that statement now. So I shoved the microphone under his nose and right on cue he says, very slowly and deliberately, "Isn't this nice?", thus preserving the family tradition on video for ever more. I think everyone in my faimily mouthed the words along with him. I kissed him on the top of his head, little knowing how much the top of my head would resemble his before another decade had passed.

Sadly, four months later cancer took him from us, but to this day, whenever there is a family dinner, someone will raise a glass, look at the assembled throng, and declare "Isn't this nice?" My cousin came up to me at the funeral and thanked me for getting him to say it at the wedding, as it provided a great memory.

So maybe there are some things worth watching on my wedding video after all.

The other day, I was on my way home from work as usual. By the way, everything I'm about to post happened "the other day" as I don't seem to have time these days to actually post something when it was current. I could of course pretend this happened tonight, but that would be just plain wrong.

Anyway, I was driving home after work down the dual carriageway, pootling along at about 65 miles per hour. There was a slip road coming on from the left, and a huge 4x4 hurtling down it. Well, it wasn't actually hurtling, I just put that in to make it sounds more dramatic than it actually was. It was a 4x4 though, that much is true. Since I had my eyes open, I could see it coming, so I signalled right and moved over to give it some room. I could see a car in the outside lane, but it was far enough back for me to move over safely.

Next thing I know I've got a BMW up my arse with his headlights on full beam. God forbid that I should have caused him to drop his speed back down into two figures. Anyway, the whole point of this is that the same evening I saw the following posted on a newsgroup, and I'd like to dedicate it to that BMW driver I cut up by pulling out a hundred yards in front of him. Oh, and by the way, we all had to slow down to 50mph about half a mile further up the road as it narrowed to one lane...... so yar boo sucks to you, you c***-s****** w*****!

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Yesterday I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 95mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I
won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

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The Puzzle Donkey
No clues, no help, I don't even know (all) the answers myself......
Fiendishly difficult.

I'm in a pretty good mood at the moment. My car is averaging 41mpg, I won the bonus ball syndicate at work this week, I spent £20 less than I earned last month, my shirts are ironed, the washing up is done and the cd's are all back on the shelf in their proper places. Life, couldn't be better. Well, it could, but don't get me started.

And I bet you thought I was going to rave on about how gorgeous and sexy Felicity Kendal was in the 1970's, eh? Well, there's no need to, because it goes without saying.

Took Son Number One into Manchester today. Bought him a Mr Potato Head (which, when he opened it in the cafe, caused the people on the table next to us to ooh and ahh as they hadn't seen one for about 15 years) and also took him up on the big ferris wheel they've put up in Exchange Square, which caused Son Number One to ooh and ahh as he hadn't been that high up ever before and all the people looked like little ants. Bless. He must have forgotten about all those times he's been on a plane.

While we were in town, we saw these. Forget the photo frame, I'll have one of these instead. The six-foot one please.

Isn't it about time I posted something for November? I am still here, despite all appearances to the contrary. My lack of posts here is partly due to laziness, and partly due to being extremely busy with other sideline projects, none of which I can tell you about at the moment, because quite frankly, they're none of your business :-) If anything does come of them in the future, I'll be sure to let you know. But in the meantime, I'm just going to quietly get on with living my life.