found while surfing: August 2004 Archives

According to a recent poll, Tommy Cooper has been voted the funniest Briton of all time. In case this link doesn't work any more, the full list (from a Readers Digest poll) is listed here:

1. Tommy Cooper
2. Peter Kay
3. Billy Connolly
4. Morecambe and Wise
5. Bob Monkhouse
6. Ken Dodd
7. Roy 'Chubby' Brown
8. (equal) Norman Wisdom
8. (equal) Les Dawson
10. Lee Evans
11. (equal) David Jason
11. (equal) Dawn French
13. (equal) Jim Davidson
13. (equal) Rowan Atkinson
15. Benny Hill
16. Jasper Carrott
17. Lenny Henry
18. Spike Milligan
19. John Cleese
20. (equal) Eddie Izzard
20. (equal) Freddie Starr

There must be some people out there who are not familiar with Tommy Cooper so I'd like to invite you to check out this fan site and this selection of one-liners.

This snippet has been mercilessly stolen from the fan site:

After a Royal Command Performance Tommy was introduced to the Queen.

"Do you think I was funny?" Tommy asked.
"Yes Tommy," replied the Queen.
"You really thought I was funny?", Tommy asked.
"Yes of course I thought you were funny" said the Queen.
"Did your Mother think I was funny?" Tommy asked.
"Yes, Tommy..."said the Queen, ".we both thought you were funny."
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" Tommy asked.
"No, ........." replied the Queen, "...but I might not be able to give you a full answer."
"Do you like football?" asked Tommy.
"Well not really" said the Queen.'
"In that case, ..." said Tommy, "....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'"

As for the rest of the list, I'm not quite sure what Les Dennis is doing there, and Spike Milligan should be a lot further up the list. In 1994 Spike was given a lifetime achievement honour at the British Comedy Awards. The host started to read out a tribute to Spike written by one of his most famous fans, Prince Charles. After the first sentence Spike uttered the now classic phrase "the grovelling little bastard" - the house erupted in gales of laughter and the rest of the letter never was read out. So for that alone he should be higher in the list. Not quite sure what David Jason is doing there - fair enough, he's one of the best comic actors we've ever had but he doesn't write his own scripts. Mind you, the poll was for "funniest Briton" rather than "funniest comedian"

Two things bother me about this list, and they are the absences of The Two Ronnies and Victoria Wood. Take a look at this Two Ronnies fan site, and then check out the virtual episodes. Took me right back, I can tell you. In my ever-so-'umble opinion, Ronnie Barker (who wrote a lot of the Two Ronnies material under a pseudonym) is a genius.

Here's a Victoria Wood quote snaffled from this page:
my friend worked in hairdressing, and me cousin worked in hairdressing and me mother...that's her on t'wall in sponge rollers...she said "What are you planning on doing our Madeline" and I said modelling, she said "Modelling Madeline ?" I says Yes, she says "OOh Madeline you'd be very middling at modelling" I said would I she says "You go meddling with modelling you'll be muddling Madeline"

Back in the mid-90's I went to see Bob Monkhouse record one of his television shows, and part of the routine was that he'd ask the audience to call out two random words or phrases, for example they might shout out "fire engine" and "elephant" and he had to go from a joke about a fire engine to a joke about an elephant, with each joke being linked to the one before it, and he had to do all of this in 60 seconds. Let me tell you that the way it appeared on tv was exactly the way it happened in the studio, one joke after another, zap, zap, zap, zap, zap. By the time he got to the end of the 60 seconds I couldn't remember what the first joke was. The man was a walking comedy encyclopedia.

In fact, here are my top 7 British Comedy Genuises of all time, in alphabetical order (coz they are all as funny as each other). 'tis a shame that four of them are no longer with us.

Ronnie Barker
John Cleese
Tommy Cooper
Spike Milligan
Bob Monkhouse
Eric Morecambe
Victoria Wood

I'm a sucker for an old-style comedy song, like the type Victoria Wood and The Two Ronnies do. The lyrics and routines are probably all copyrighted, which is why it's so hard to find them on the net, and they don't get shown on TV as often as they deserve to be. Not on Terrestrial tv at any rate.

Between late 1994 and late 1998 I lived in London (well, Surbiton and Kingston-Upon-Thames) with my ex, and did a fair amount of travelling on the London Underground (aka the Tube). Travelling on the tube is demoralising and boring but for most people a necessary evil. I suspect underground transport systems everywhere suffer the same problems, i.e. trying to move several hundred thousand people every day through very long, very narrow, very dark tunnels. I've not been on the tube for a few years now, but I presume it's the same as it ever was...... crammed, hot and sticky in the summer, full of people who never make eye contact, but actually quite cost-effective if you want to do some tourist-y travelling around (not quite so cost-effective if you only use it twice a day to get to and from work, though) and reasonably efficient.

In all the travelling I did on the tube I never once heard a driver's announcement that cheered me up. However, such things do happen, and this site has compiled a selection for your entertainment. Below I present a few of my favourites.

"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way".

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Please allow the passengers off the train first. It's easier that way."

"When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".

"Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."

I didn't find this one. Someone else found it and posted it to an email list I subscribe to. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I was not looking to buy something like this. At all. Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.

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Apologies for the picture quality but I'm trying to save the planet through reduced bandwidth usage. Or, to be more accurate, I'm trying to keep within my monthly bandwidth limits.