Recently in just a joke Category

I just saw this on the uk.rec.humour newsgroup, and it was so good I thought I'd share it here.

Kids talk to God.

1. Dear God,
please put another holiday
between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr.
God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God,
I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God,
how did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God,
is it true my father
won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah
the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around
when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes
to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God,
in bible times,
did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles
in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark
to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel
would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring,
but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God,
my brother told me about
how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody
could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because
you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God,
it is great the way you always
get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank

And, saving the best for last .

23. Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas

from bash.org:

<sp4nk> I once knew this guy who kept a dream journal.
<sp4nk> Some little spiral notebook he'd keep by his bed.
<martyr> haha nice
<sp4nk> I'd get waken up in the middle of the night and find him writing shit in it. At 3 AM.
<sp4nk> Told me it was so he could remember the lucid dreams he had the following morning.
<sp4nk> So one night at about 1, I decided to have a look.
<sp4nk> As I suspected, full of shit about meeting dead people and flying across the Atlantic Ocean.
<sp4nk> He was asleep at the time, of course.
<sp4nk> So I grabbed a pencil and made my own entry.
<martyr> ROFL
<sp4nk> Something along the lines of: OH MY GOD I WANT YOUR BLOOD SATAN PLEASE LIBERATE ME FROM MY WRETCHED LIFE
<sp4nk> I swear, he was shaking the rest of that day
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If you're not familiar with internet chat abbreviations, you need to know that asl stands for age/sex/location. It's a greeting guaranteed to get you ignored 95% of the time.

<THE_RAVEN> asl?
<BlackstarII> 41/m/neverland
<BlackstarII> wanna sleep over?

Of course, the other 5% gets you a sarcastic answer.

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<BoTGoD> In the wet season, when my house lies at the eye of a particularly savage thunderstorm storm, lightning all around and power out, i like to masturbate - it makes me feel like i am thor.

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One of these quotes made me chuckle, one made me smile, and one made me laugh out loud. I'll leave you to guess which one is which.

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them is beeping the horn."

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he just sits at home twiddling his thumbs.

Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.

The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish." Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

Moral of the Story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

15 simple tests before you decide to have children...

Test 1 - Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - To discover how the nights will feel...
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.45am
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10)Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4 - To prepare for dressing small children (not as easy as you may think)...
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this = all morning.

Test 5 - Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There......perfect!

Test 6 - Getting ready to go out rehearsal.
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 - Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children

Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.

Test 10 - Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11 - Can you stand the mess children make? Find out:
1) Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2) Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3) Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

Test 12 - Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.

Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.

Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.

Test 15 - Go for a drive, but first. . . ..
1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

If none of the above bothers you then your well prepared to have kids.

For twins double the effort.......