Recently in Relationships Category

My relationship with C didn't work out. Ah well, not the end of the world. We were both mature enough to realise that it wasn't working, and parted on good terms (I think). We found each other online, and although we clicked on the mental side of things, and agreed on a lot of topics, she basically misled me from the start about her age and her weight. She had no intention when she started of taking a bit of online chat into a full-blown, real-time relationship, and the fact that we lived so close to each other made it difficult not to take the relationship real-time.

The more we chatted (online and on the phone), the more she realised that a meeting wasn't too far away. And she felt more and more guilty about lying to me about her age and her weight. So she sent me an email telling me the truth and saying that it might be best if we called it a day. I wasn't really prepared to accept that at the time, I insisted that we at least met up and put faces to names, and take it from there. Weight is something that can always be worked on, and although there was nothing we could do about the age gap, you never know until you try, do you?

So we went for a drink, and maybe with high hopes we decided to give it a go. However over the next couple of weeks it became apparent that I wasn't putting as much effort into the relationship as I had done to start with, and the reason for this was that, well, to be honest, I just didn't fancy her, physically. She was (and in fact still is) 12 years older than me, and subconsciously this fact kept gnawing away at me.

I'm learning more about myself with each relationship that passes. I know more about what I want, and who I want to share it with. I know more about how difficult the type of relationship I want is, and how much time and effort I need to put into it. Maybe it's time for me to take a step back from finding a partner and concentrate on some of the other goals I outlined in my first couple of posts. More about this soon I think.

C, I wish you all the best, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much, and wish you all the best for the future.

I've not had a chance to post here for a little while because I've been a busy boy. Here's a summary of the last two weeks in two paragraphs. Maybe a bit more than two paragraphs, but you get the idea.

My friend M and I keep having our ups and downs. She still turns to me for relationship advice, but if I try to give advice based on 20% of the available information, and jump to the wrong conclusions, she gets very upset. We had a falling out last weekend, and although we've sorta made up since, she suggested that we didn't get too involved in each other's private lives in the future. This will certainly cut down on the number of arguments and fallings out we have, but whether or not it will lead to a slow deterioration of the friendship remains to be seen.

M and C both have their own opinions of each other, which are (in both cases) a bit superficial and stereotyped. Muggins here is stuck in the middle! C tried to call off our relationship last weekend as she hadn't been entirely honest with me about her age, and she thought that when we met up I would take one look at her and walk out of the door. She knew that the next stage would be to meet, we'd chatted online for four weeks, been texting for three, and on the phone to each other for a week. There was absolutely no reason for us not to meet, apart from this little white lie about her age (and if I'm being honest, her weight as well, but weight can always be worked on).

I persuaded C not to call the whole thing off, let's go for a drink anyway, see if there's anything there, and see where it takes us. We went for a drink last Monday, and I'm going round to hers this evening. It's still very much early days, of course, but I wasn't going to accept being dumped just like that!

So M thinks C is an online player and has me under her thumb. C thinks M is selfish and just talks to me when she wants me for something. Fortunately, since they live so far apart, ne'er the twain shall meet. Personally, I like them both, and I want to be close to them both as well. One as a friend, one as a lover. Why should it be so bloody difficult?

On another matter, my cousin S has sorted herself out a new flat to rent and moves in on Sunday. Looks like she will be getting a divorce, but at least her husband is talking to her on reasonable terms at the moment and not biting her head off down the phone all the time.

Anyone got a rock I can crawl back under?

What goes around, comes around. Karma, and all that. I'm feeling upbeat and positive at the moment, good about myself and good about who I am. Which is certainly an improvement on how I was feeling when I started this blog!

My friend M turns to me for help and advice on her relationships. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, but when she has problems getting her thoughts orgranised she asks me to help out. We did this a few weeks ago, and this weekend we did it again. She tells me what's been happening with her, I take the information on board, write out how I think she's feeling and what I think she needs to say, and send it back to her. After I did this she came back to me saying it was beautiful, described exactly how she felt, and that she was almost in tears after she had read it. Of course, she didn't send the email word for word as I had written it, she added bits and rephrased bits.. but it's good to know that I was able to help out somewhat.

My cousin S is also having a hard time of it at the moment. Looks like she'll be getting a divorce after 17 years of marriage, and I've been providing her with a safe haven over the last week or so, somewhere she can go when she's got nowhere else to go. She can plug in to my broadband, get things sorted out, have a coffee, have a cigarette, have a chat. I know it's not much, but just being there for someone is more than enough.

Things are going very well between myself and my new friend C. When we met online we both knew that we were looking for a relationship, but she's been stung before and doesn't want to get stung again, so she wanted to dip her toes back in to online chat, thinking that it would fizzle out after a few days. However she bumped into me on her first night in the chat room and we've been chatting at every conceivable opportunity since. We've also been texting each other, and over the last couple of days, phoning as well. So we're moving forward, but I'm not pushing things any faster than she wants to be pushed. C was persuaded to get back online by her friend J, and I met J for the first time at the weekend (it's a convoluted story). I hope she gave C glowing reports about me!

So, yeah. I'm not so wrapped up in my own feelings any more that I can't care how other people are doing. I keep my nose out unless I'm invited in to help (I'm not a busybody!), but it's good to know that when I do help, I'm doing the right thing at the right time, and it is appreciated.

Let's face it, getting a text message saying "You're a good man" certainly put a smile on my face :-)

It's only been a week since I last posted here, a fact that surprised me when I realised it, I thought it had been a lot longer. There's not a lot to report this week, just keeping on keeping on, you know. I've been busy chatting with my online friend every night, and that passes the time very nicely.

Although we both have the same long-term goals in terms of what we want a relationship to be and how we want it to work, she's been burned before and wants to take things very slowly for now. And that means sticking to online chat before committing to phoning or meeting in person. I'm fine with that, I know where she's coming from and I respect her choice. I've told her that if we're still in the same situation six months down the line I'll be a bit pissed off though! After all, the point of a relationship is to get off the damn internet. Having said all that, we don't seem to be running out of things to say to each other just yet :-)

Been a while since I posted about relationships, so here's a little update. A couple of weeks ago I "met" someone online. Although we were in a chat room on a global chat network, it turns out we live just a few miles apart (and by "few" I mean walking distance - at a push!)

We've been chatting for a few hours pretty much every night since we first met. We have the same outlook on life, the same relationship goals, we seem to be hitting it off very well. Fingers crossed :-)

My friend M has been keeping me up to date on progress with her new suitor. She had two on the go last week, but she chatted with one of them on Saturday night after I took her home and it just wasn't working. So, two down to one.

To cut a long story short (and it's not my story, it's hers), she chatted with him about her doubts, he put her at ease, they chatted on the phone on Sunday and then went to meet up for the first time last night. She was excited and nervous, partly hoping that this would be the man for her, and partly hoping that she'd find some reason not to go out with him (he's too old, he's ugly, he's already got three wives, that sort of thing). The problem she's had in the past is that she's always dived head long into a relationship, wanting it to be perfect from day one. Relationships never are, of course, and one of the things I was doing for her last week was persuading her to take things slowly, at least a lot slower than she has done in the past. Judging from her reaction when she came back online after meeting him last night, slow and steady is going to win her the race. He's wonderful, she's happy, I'm happy for her. Really, I am. I know I can't give her what she needs in a relationship, and I'm not going to be jealous of any man who can give her that.

She's had a tough life. She deserves a bit of happiness. M, my friend, I hope this man is the one you've been dreaming of getting.

I had some bad news this week. My friend M (who I had previously written about on here), contacted me on Tuesday and told me she'd been dumped by the guy she started seeing after she split with me. I've not written about her at all since that last post, but we've both been able to put the split and the ensuing argument behind us. So we chatted online every now and then, so when she got unceremoniously dumped, she felt comfortable enough talking to me about it.

We chatted online, I commiserated with her, and wished I could do more for her. One friend to another, you know. I mentioned that I had some dvd's here that I'd been copying for her, and dropped a hint that what she needs was to take a break, curl up with a friend, drink a bottle of wine, and watch some dvd's. By Thursday afternoon, she'd come to the conclusion that she did indeed need a break, so I drove down to pick her up.

In the car on the way back she told about about what her ex had done, and the way he's done it. She also told me that she'd updated her profile on a couple of websites, and was getting some attention from men. She wasn't sure if she wanted any attention at the moment, or if she was just attracting the wrong sort of man again, and this is one reason why she agreed to take some time out and have a bit of a think.

Thursday night was spent with a chinese takeaway, the wine and the dvd's. Friday we chatted about the potential suitors she had on her tail. She was very open and honest with me, showing me emails they had sent, online conversations she'd had with them. We both sat and tried to work out if they were genuine or just predators. We listened to each other's opinions, we gave each other advice, and by the time I took her home on Saturday afternoon we both felt a lot more confident and upbeat. Her because she'd been able to put some of her fears to rest, me because the previous few days had been a boost to my confidence as well. Plus, it's good to be able to help out a friend in need, isn't it?

I feel terrible. Not just because I only got two hours sleep last night. No, I feel terrible because of the reason I only got two hours sleep last night. Why oh why I have to open my big mouth and put my foot so firmly in it I will never know.

(Note that with all stories of this nature, it's a simplification. No names are even mentioned, let alone changed)

At the end of April I met a woman online and, to cut a very long story short, we decided that as we both seemed to be looking for the same things, we decided to give it a go. After all, you don't get anywhere in life by sitting on your backside, do you? Well, for reasons I won't go into here, the relationship didn't work out. I didn't (couldn't?) give her what she wanted, so she decided to end it. This left us with the awkward situation that she was at home an hour's drive away, and half her stuff was still in my house.

During the week after the split we still chatted online, remained civil towards each other, and we arranged for me to drive down the following weekend to bring it all back to her. Also during that time she mentioned that she had gone out for a drink on the Saturday following our split, and got chatting to a bloke in the pub. The weekend comes around, and I arrive at her house, after being stuck in traffic getting there, she greeted me, then said she was busy in her room. Her kids were in their own rooms, and I was left alone in the lounge. Well, not exactly alone, I was fighting off the dog, who suddenly remembered who I was and how good my teeth seemed to taste.

After a few minutes she called through to me that I could make myself a drink if I wanted. I offered to make her a drink as well. I took the drinks through to her room, and went back to the lounge. I read the paper. I read it again. She called me in to her room to ask me a question about some setup problem on the forum on her web site. I answered the question, and not wanting to go back into the lounge on my own, I sat on her bed. I could see she had two chat windows open, one was to someone from the boards, I didn't know who the other chat was with.

About an hour after I arrived, she asked her son to help me unload her stuff from the car. We did this, he went back to his room to play with the keyboard I'd given him, and I sat back down on her bed while she chatted and tried to get the boards sorted. She seemed very focused on what she was doing, she didn't even give her kids a lot of attention while I was there. Apart from asking for my help with the boards, she barely spoke a word to me all afternoon. At about 5:30 I'd had enough, so I made my excuses and left. The only reason I stayed so long was that I'd driven an hour and a half to get there, and I was buggered if I was going to get in the car and drive all the way back after just 10 minutes.

I felt pushed out, rejected, ignored and invisible. I know we'd just split, but she was the one that decided it wasn't working, she dumped me in effect. And there I was, still trying to be a nice guy, to be a friend. She barely acknowledged me while I was there, and I've no idea how she felt about anything, because she didn't tell me.

I later discovered the other chat was with the new bloke she'd met in the pub. They are getting on like a house on fire, apparently. He's giving her all the things I couldn't give her (and I'm not talking physical items here, I'm talking about treating her the way she wanted to be treated). She said something to me, probably a throwaway comment, that if he wanted her attention, then he got it. Well, I thought, he certainly had her attention on that Sunday afternoon, that's for sure. I mulled it over in my head and thought "If he can demand that sort of attention online, what's he going to do in real life? Am I going to be treated the same way again if I visit and he's there?"

So why, if it was so awkward, would I want to visit again? Well, I have dvd's for her and she has some of mine, so there's going to be at least one more visit. Besides, I don't want to lose a friend, even if it is someone I tried to have a relationship with and it failed. We still have other ties, to do with the website I helped her set up while we were together.

Anyway, that throwaway statement she made ate away at me, and last night I pulled her up on it. But, being the master tactician than I am, I was aggressive and showed jealousy. Needless to say the conversation went right downhill, and it was all my fault. I'm still pissed off at how I was treated when I last visited, but I can understand she was uncomfortable talking to her new bloke while her ex was sitting on her bed. She could have told me the situation though, I'd have understood. Also, she could have told him she had a guest in the house. We argued, we shouted, we stormed off, we came back... but I think I managed some sort of truce by the end of the evening though.

I still don't feel any better about the way I was treated when I last went to see her, and I feel fucking awful now about the way I treated her last night. Her behaviour towards me went a long way towards forming the attitude I used in my reply to her throwaway comment, and now I've got no idea if we're on speaking terms or not.

So.... in a nutshell.....
We start a relationship
It doesn't work, she dumps me
She finds new bloke almost immediately
I take her stuff back to her house
She's devoting all her time to online chat with new bloke
I get pissed off at being ignored, but say nothing at the time
She makes a comment a couple of weeks later about how he gets her attention when he wants it
I make a comment about how I'd consider that to be very rude if he did that while she had guests
We argue
I don't apologise for making the comment, but I do apologise for the way I said it
However, I'm still waiting for an apology from her about ignoring me.

I'm not being egotistical about this, at least I don't think I am... I just think that when you have guests in your house you treat them with respect. Is that so wrong?